Is that a bat in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
by scaredofrobots
Summary: Lily Evans lost a bet and has to assist the special guest for the Halloween Assembly. Muggle nonsense AU


"Ms. Evans, please proceed to the gymnasium for the special Halloween presentation."

'Fuck,' Lily Evans thought.

She'd made the mistake of saying "fuck" out loud in front of her kindergarteners her first year teaching.

Luckily- Elle was open to bribes and she was able to keep that kid in candy for an entire year so she never told who taught her the F word.

Not that Lily hated assemblies. Or Halloween. It was just that she'd lost a bet with Sirius and had to be the "special volunteer" for the bat trainer's presentation.

So this particular assembly she was dreading. Assemblies were a time for teachers to sit in the back and play candy crush on their phone. Or scroll tumblr. Or tweet angrily about the state of the world.

But NO- this assembly she had to get up in front of the school and help the bat trainer.

Sirius had found it endlessly amusing when Lily discovered it wasn't a "baseball thing" but it was, in fact, actual fucking bats that would be flying around the school.

She'd made several Ace Ventura jokes about how guana wouldn't be good for her hair or the well being of the children but Sirius had told her under no uncertain terms, "Lily, James is a fucking professional- his bats are potty trained- are you crazy?"

Lily had no idea you could fucking train a bat to potty train much less to not shit wherever it wanted to, so she found herself losing the argument. And woefully unprepared for the assembly she was currently walking to.

Thankfully, Josie was the line leader that day so she didn't have to worry too much about Sirius covering her class and bringing them to the gym.

She spent the walking to the gym giving herself a pep talk. And being thankful she'd remembered to dress appropriately for helping a bat trainer earlier that morning.

James knew the top hat was a terrible idea. And he never should've let his mom talk him into the red cumberbund. But he remembered the assembly that made him want to be a bat trainer and he just knew it was the way he would have to do it.

He'd been training bats for zoos and secret military operations for years but was finally FINALLY able to tap into the school assembly market.

He'd only had to give up the center cinnamon roll on Christmas morning and let Sirius style his hair once a month. But he'd bargained and pleaded until Sirius gave in. The only other condition was that he had to use a teacher as an assistant.

Who he was supposed to meet any second. He scanned the gymnasium and looked for what he had pictured in his head as "Ms. Evans". Sirius had only described her as "very uptight and old fashioned, the kind of woman who lives in cardigans and stays at home knitting for her cats". So James had imagined "Ms. Evans" to be close to 150 and very stout and kind.

The perfect assistant to calm his nerves. She had a lot of cats so would not be scared or alarmed should Bartholomew act up.

As he scanned the room, a very pretty, very young teacher with bright red hair approached him

She scanned him up and down and her eyes barely contained her amusement at his get-up.

"Hi, I'm Lily" she prompted and held out her hand. James took it and shook, continuing to scan the room "I'm James...Potter...the bat trainer. Have you seen Ms. Evans or Sirius anywhere?"

"Only this morning in the mirror….and Sirius is always late- I thought you were his friend?"

Oh. FUCK.

This could not do.

This could not be his assistant.

She was too pretty, too distracting too-

"Can I have my hand back or is this a bit for the show?"

Her question interrupted his thoughts and James dropped her hand quickly.

"No….yeah….I…" he started and then she laughed.

HOLY FUCK HE WAS DOOMED.

She was even prettier laughing. "I hope you don't talk much in this show."

James rubbed his neck sheepishly as she examined him again.

"I didn't realize that we were supposed to be so formal. I would've worn my sparkly gown."

An image of Lily in something low cut and sparkly jumped into his brain and he lost all words once again.

"Are you alright?" she asked. James had no idea how much time had passed. "Me? Fine? Yes"

Lily looked at him like someone trying to figure out a puzzle, "So….do you want to get to it?"

"Get to….I'm sorry?" James tried

What was wrong with him? It must be the proximity of children. He no longer knew how to speak to the opposite sex. He had retreated into his fourth grade self and did not know how to talk to girls. She laughed again and James could not decide if he wanted to die or kiss her.

"You seem nervous," Lily grinned at him. "Just tell me where to stand and what you need me to do and everything will go great."

She was touching his arm. That was the only thought he could hold on to. The only thing

"JAMES!" Sirius' voice broke through, "Are you almost ready…. I see you met Ms. Evans and-"

"Yes, Sirius," Lily interjected. "You never told me that James has such a way with words"

Something in her toned clued Sirius in and next thing James knew he was being hauled behind his portable curtains and given the scariest pep talk of his life. Sirius whisper-shouted at him, things about, "I know you haven't seen a girl in a while," and "get your act together," until James finally came to his senses.

Sirius brought Lily behind the curtains and James was able to give her the rough idea. He only lost his train of thought twice.

Once when Lily laughed at his lame Ace Ventura joke and again when she asked him "Shouldn't you have named him BAT-Thelemu"

Lily hadn't expected James to be funny.

When she'd first seen him pacing around the gym looking at his curtains and adjusting the cages- all the while in a top hat, coat tails and cummerbund- all she could think was, "this guy can't be for real."

But he was. And he had glasses.

And he was _cute._ At first she thought maybe he'd been dropped on his head as a baby. The way he struggled to find words- but then Sirius had shown up and it was like a switch had turned on.

He was midway through explaining the finer points of the presentation when the classes started to arrive.

Lily reviewed the visual cues with him and felt ready to go. They'd spent less than half an hour preparing but James was so funny, so helpful and the cues were so easy. She was sure that nothing could go wrong and actually felt somewhat excited by the prospect of presenting a bat show to the children.

James. Was. Killing. It.

The students loved him. Hands down the best assembly of all time.

Granted, it was his first, but he was sure nothing could stop him.

They were halfway through the grand finale (a coordinated dance to Thriller) when disaster struck.

Instead of giving the bats the signal for "circle," Lily gave the signal for "attack." (Granted, they were very similar and James might've taught her the wrong one because he'd gotten so distracted by her collar bones.)

And then all hell broke loose.

Bats were everywhere. Diving and spinning…..first over the children and then straight to James.

Instead of giving them the signal for "stop," James ran- right into the temporary curtains.

And everything went black.

"Fuck."

Lily said that one out loud. Somehow, Sirius had kept a clear head and promptly evacuated the gym.

Leaving Lily alone with five wayward bats, some knocked-over curtains, and a very unconscious James Potter.

"Fuck." Somehow, she knew this was her fault. She must've gotten signals confused. She probably had been distracted by James' forearms or- no- it had to have been his jawline.

His jawline which could currently be shattered if the large CLANG that occured when he fell was any indication.

Luckily, their owner falling down and possibly dying seemed to be a symbol and the bats had calmly re-entered their cages.

She didn't know if she should call 911 or get some ice or-

"Fuck." That one came from James.

He was starting to sit up and untangle himself from the curtains. Lily rushed to him "James- I'm so so sorry I-"

"FUCK," he emphasized and took off his hat.

His hair.

"Fuck," Lily stated, and James' face was panic-stricken.

"Does it look bad?" he asked and began to press his hands against his head and look for blood.

"No- I-" Lily stopped herself. _I thought you were cute before but now your fucking hair has me planning our wedding..would you like 3 children or 6?_ \- she thought but said instead "I'm glad you're okay…"

"Awww...Evans….Tis only a scratch" he grinned.

"A scratch, your arms off!" she replied

"I've had worse!" He insisted

"Liar!" she laughed

"Come On Then, You Pansy" James exclaimed and tried to stand but in a tangle of curtains and poles only managed to get to his knees

"What are you going to do bleed on me?" Lily asked but barely through her laughter

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a looney!" Lily retorted and couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed this hard.

"The Black Knight always triumphs, Evans!" he bellowed.

"Oh for fucks sake!" The voice of Sirius Black came across the gymnasium "You lot haven't cleaned this up yet?"

"LANGUAGE SIRIUS" Lily and James said in unison.

"Look," Sirius started, "the children are traumatized and we need to get this shit out of here. Then I need a drink."

Between the three of them, they were able to miraculously clean up the mess in under thirty minutes. Exhausted but laughing Sirius declared "This fucking nightmare of a day over" and they headed toward the parking lot.

"Where shall I meet you?" Lily asked

"James will pick you up," Sirius responded,"Your place is right on the way from his to the pub. Can't be crowding Old Man Miranda's pub with excessive cars. Remus and I will meet you. James pick her up at six. I'll send you each others numbers. Cheers!" And he pushed past them to his car.

"I'll see you at six then" Lily grinned and then breezed past James to her own car. Before she opened her door she offered, "You might want to wash that guana out of your hair first though."

James managed to text Lily without throwing up from nerves, get her from her flat to the pub without wrecking his car and successfully guessed her favorite drink.

He was feeling very proud of himself. Mostly because the conversation was flowing and he was nearly certain she was scooting closer to him as they flirted? He was pretty sure this was flirting.

By 6:45 he was certain they were flirting because Lily's head was resting on his shoulder when she declared, "I think we've been set up."

"Have we?" James asked

"Do you mind?" Lily asked and turned her face toward his

"Not in the slightest," James smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear

"We can never tell him it worked," Lily breathed, "He will be insufferable"

"I should've known from the moment he offered to have my bats perform," James told her and leaned the rest of the way to bring their lips together.

When they pulled apart, several moments later Lily asked "How does Bartholomew feel about house guests?"


End file.
